Saturday, 3 November 2012

World Police and Pervert Games

After a brief exchange of emails, I can confirm that DCAL are no fun at all. 

Dear Dcal 

As you'll be aware Northern Ireland is due to host the World Police and Fire Olympics next year. This is a momentous event, no doubt, and several of my friends have taken the opportunity to volunteer to work at the games.

"All very good," I hear you say, "for why are you mailing us about it?" Well the thing is, all of the volunteer friends are women, and they arnae exactly in it for the love of sport. Basically they quite fancy men in uniform and so are going along in the hope of getting a coort with a Mountie. 

What's in it for the men I ask ye? Nothing, unless they are the gays, and thus there is a clear breach of the sex discrimination legislation, namely that things shouldn't be provided for one sex and not the other.

However before I take you to the European Court of Sex, I am offering you a chance to redeem yourselves. For some time I have been planning a World Foxy Nurses and French Maids Olympics, and am seeking your support in holding it here, preferably in Banbridge so I can get to it without the Motor and so can have a wee drink. The nurses and French Maids will take part in a variety of events as diverse as the bouncing up and down, syncronised hair shaking, unsupported jogging and, of course, a lovely girls competition.

You will have spotted a flaw in my plan I am sure, namely the numerical advantage he French will hold in the French Maids area. This will be circumvented by allowing other nationalities to include maids, under the STRICT understanding that they wear the correct outfit.

Anyway, I look forward to hearing for you and the receipt of my grant cheque.

Professor Billy McWilliams.

Dear Sir,

Thank-you for your email of 30th October 2012 which has been considered and held on file. There is no facility within the Department for providing grant directly to any organisation. 

Thank you,
2013 Projects Team.

Saturday, 15 September 2012 

Dear Tesco

I was in one of your big shops today (the one in Banbridge) getting beer and the like and noticed that you still have a fair stock of thon Fifty Shades of Grey books. I had a wee read for a while, and admit they're not bad in places. A wee bit too much of the old bondage for my liking, but there's no accounting for taste. 

Anyway, that's not the point. You had thon book, and a rake of similar books called things like Her Deepest Desires or Her Secret Lady Garden or whatever, but they were all what I would loosely call "Lady Porn". This left me unfulfilled so I thought I'd go to your magazine section and get some proper old fashioned porn, Razzle or Asian Babes or Fat and Forty or whatever, only to find that you have NO man porn, aside from Nuts and Zoo. Thesuns aren't really proper porn, and wouldn't do the job, so to speak.

I would like to know why you have adopted this sexist attitude to porn, and consider it OK to sell books where women get the bejaysus whipped aff them by a pervert, but don't sell stuff where men can look at women and think how pretty they look and the like. I checked the European Convention of Human Rights, and it supports my position, so I expect to see your magazine section suitably replete with filth within the next few weeks.

Professor Billy McWilliams. 

PS When I say "Man Porn" I don't mean porn for the Gays. You can have that too if you want, but make sure it's labelled right for I looked at some by accident one time and near boked.

Thursday, 13 September 2012

Northern Ireland is Full of Arseholes, claims report.

A report published today by a top academic has revealed some startling statistics about Northern Ireland. Far from being a land of welcoming people moving forward into a new, shared future the country is in fact full of complete wankers.

The report was commissioned in response to a number of events and developments over the summer months such as:

  • Parades controversies 
  • Debate over the nationality of golfers and Olympians
  • Discussions over the new exhibition up at the Giant's Causeway
  • Stuff about the gays and drink.

The academic, who does not want to be named for illegal reasons, explained that he had observed the shenanigans over the summer and noted stuff down in a big book. Then he had drew some graphs about it. 

Graph 1.

The figures obtained by the academic indicate a high prevalence of general arseholery. This is generally revealed by an ability to ignore basic facts and an inability to understand anyone else's point of view. 

Graph 2.

This high prevalence of arseholery was reflected in the pastimes of the local population. 

Graph 3

This further impacts on the standard of debate locally, all forms of the media reflecting the general principle below. This is clearly demonstrated in the social media, the letters pages of the papers and on the Nolan show. 

Graph 4.

All debate will somehow involve religion. If crisps is the subject of the debate, someone will manage to find a quote about how the Lord separated the good crisps from the bad crisps then fed the bad ones to Gay folk or something.

Graph 5.

These factors are reflected in the deliberations of our politicians. Mike Nesbitt is excluded from this, as he only cares about golf and rugby.

The report also showed:

  • A high number of folk who complain a lot about stuff but never get off their arses to anything about it.
  • A complete lack of respect for anyone's achievements, sporting or academic. 
  • A high percentage of lazy bastards who blame everyone else for the situation they find themselves in.
  • The news is becoming unwatchable as it makes you want to stick your foot through the TV set.
  • That for a nation that prides itself in its "sense of humour" the people have a great deal of difficulty in seeing the humour in anything that does not pander to their preconceived notions of the world and are quick to complain about things being "offensive".
  • Everything on local TV is shit, apart from Jackie Fullerton.
In conclusion the academic revealed that this combination of factors means he can no longer be arsed and is henceforth retiring.

Monday, 18 June 2012

A Quare Poke

Whit wi' this doll makin' a fortune oot o' wrichtin' durty buiks, Ah hiv decided til branch oot frae ma normal academic wurk, an' move intil the realm o' Ulster Scots durty fiction. Ah've thus sent this til the Mills an' Boon affices. A wee taster, sae til spake......

Dear Mills an' Boon folk.

Ah was lukkin' in the paper taeday an' note thit some doll in the America has made a wild lot o' money oot o' wrichtin' durty buiks, an' am aware thit yousuns publish similar fiction. Now whit yis micht nat know is that there is a patentially untapped market fur durty buiks here in Norn Ireland, namely amung the Ulster Scots ladies. As a Professor o' Ulster Scots, an' somethin' o' a pervert, Ah am well placed til praduce buiks in the hamely tongue fur yousuns, an' thunk Ah'd send ye a wee draft fur yer consideration. Ah am callin' it "A Quare Poke" - a wee play oan wurds fur ye see in Ulster Scots a Quare Poke cud be a big ice cream cone, or a good auld bit o' hat action.

A Quare Poke

Plot synapsis

Wilbert Armstrong has bin hired fur til dae a bit o' wurk oan the farm o' Lady Lovely Lesley Flockhart. She traits Wilbert wi' contempt, but secertly her womanly urges are attractin' her til the her new labourer.

Chapter 3.

Wilbert dismounted aff his Massey Ferguson 135 an' strode manfully across the field. His muscular back shone oot in the sun, as Lady Flockhart eyed him wi' a mixture o' contempt an' lust. Wilbert hid noticed thit she was spendin' a wile lock o' time lukkin' at how he handled his tool, an' as he bent til hoke oot the spuds, he was wile feart that she was about fur til lay him aff.

Howiver Lady Flockhart had a differn type o' layin' oan her mind. Smiling til hersel, she calt o'er til Wilbert.  "Armstrong, I wish to speak with you, urgently." Wilbert sighed deeply, an' raised his taut frame til its full heicht. "Richt awa' Ma Lady," he replied, turnin' fur til dander o'er til his mistress. "Not here, Armstrong" she yelped back at him, "my office, in 20 minutes".

Wilburt was heart feart but ne'ertheless flung his massive tool o'er his shaulder. "Lady Flockhart is a quare cuddy," he thunk, "But she has a bake oan her like a dunkle, an' a temper til match. Ah'm fur hapin' she disnae gie me the sack, whit wi' the rent due an' the like."  Dispondently he climbed slowly intil the cab o' his tractur, an' driv taewards the hoose.

Chapter 4.

On enterin' Lady Flockhart's affice, Wilbert foun' his employer lyin' languidly oan a couch. "Sit down Armstrong," she ordered, indicatin' an auld chair by the fire.

Wilbert did as he was taul, settlin' beside the roarin' flames as he nervously fingered wi' his ring. "Tea?" asked Lady Flockhart as she rose and walked o'er til a wee table. Wilbert was thirsty frae his wurk, an' the hate o' the fire was raisin' a quare sweat oan him. "Thank ye, yer ladyship," he replied "Ah hiv a quare drooth oan me an' wud appreciate somethin' hat an' wet".

Lady Flockhart grasped the handle o' the pat an' poured the steamin' liquid into her milky white cups. "Would you like to try one of my baps?" she asked, "I can butter them if you like?"

Wilbert's confusion grew. "Fur why," he thunk, "is she bein' nice to me taeday?" as he stammered an answer in the affirmative.

"I do enjoy providing my staff with an ample spread" said her Ladyship, as she pushed her baps across the table to Wilbert.

to be continued........

Anyhow, that's the idea. Let me ken how much yis will pay me fur it an' Ah'll wricht the rest o' it.

Professor Billy McWilliams.

Tuesday, 15 May 2012

Euro 2020 Tap Secret Negotiations.

Havin' been rejected in ma quest fur a sister toon fur Banbridge, Ah note that the Free State is tae join wi' Scotland an' Wales in a bid for the Euro 2012 fitba.

Faroe Islands, luk a bit like the Copelands. 
Nat tae be ootdun, Ah hiv duly emailed the Faroe Islands Football Association. Ah stuck this through Google Translate. 

Greetings Faroe islanders

I write from Northern Ireland, which, you will know, is a country not too far from your country. I am sorry for my use of words, I have put this message through Google Translate and do not know what it will come out like. 

I'd like to make a suggestion for your football federation. As you may know, the Republic of Ireland, Scotland and Wales are together making a bid to host the 2020 European Football Championships. I am a bit angry that no one invited us to take part, and was thinking that perhaps our two countries should get together and make a bid? This plan would allow both our nations to qualify for the Euros, and for both our Federations to make a lot of money. We use pounds here, what do you folk use? 

Our two nations have much in common. Your nation is quite small, and so is ours. No one ever takes any notice of either of our countries and we both talk in quite odd accents. Neither of our nations is very good at football, but we still play and don't like being picked on by our bigger neighbours. Here in Northern Ireland we have a place called Strangford. Vikings gave it that name, and you folk are Vikings. Jim Shannon lives near it, you won't have heard of him, but he is very famous here, and a bit mental. 

Please keep the contents of this email secret, as these plans are at a preliminary stage. If you don't want to take part we might ask either Iceland or Germany to join us, but you are closer, so we thought we would give you first call. 

Many thanks
Professor Billy McWilliams

When it goes through Google Translate it luks like this, amusingly.....

Kveðja Færeyjar VestmannaeyingarÉg skrifa frá Norður-Írlandi, sem, þú vilja vita, er land ekki of langt frá landi þínu. Éger hryggur fyrir notkun mína á orðum, hef ég sett þessi skilaboð í gegnum google translate og veit ekki hvað það mun koma út eins og.
Mig langar til að gera tillögu um sambandsríki fótbolta þinn. Eins og þú mega vita,eru á Írlandi, Skotlandi og Wales saman að gera tilboð til að hýsa 2020 EuropeanFootball Championships. Ég er dálítið reið  enginn bauð okkur að taka þátt, ogvar að hugsa um að kannski tvö lönd okkar ætti að koma saman og gera tilboð?Þessi áætlun myndi gera bæði þjóðir okkar til að vera hæfur fyrir evrur, og fyrir bæðiríkjasambönd okkar  gera mikið af peningum. Við notum £ hér, hvað gerir þú fólknota?
Tvær þjóðir okkar hafa mikið sameiginlegt. Þjóð þín er alveg lítill, og svo er okkar.Enginn tekur alltaf allir tilkynningu um hvort af löndum okkar og við bæði tal í nokkuðstakur kommur. Hvorki þjóða okkar er mjög góður í fótbolta, en við spilum enn oggera ekki eins og að vera valinn á eftir stærri nágranna okkar. Hér á Norður-Írlandivið höfum stað sem heitir Strangford. Víkingar gaf það nafn, og þú menn eruVíkingar. Jim Shannon býr nálægt henni, verður þú ekki hafa heyrt af honum, en hanner mjög frægur hér, og svolítið andlega.
Vinsamlegast hafðu innihald þessa tölvupósts leyndarmál, sem þessar áætlanir eruá fyrstu stigum. Ef þú vilt ekki  taka þátt við gætum beðið annaðhvort Ísland eðaÞýskalandi til að tengja okkur, en þú ert nær, þannig að það myndi gefa þér að hringja fyrst.
margir takkPrófessor Billy McWilliamsxo

Wednesday, 25 April 2012

Ask not what your council can do for you......

Was thinkin' it was time Ah did ma bit for the local economy, so put ma head taegither an' came up wi' a brainwave. 
Ah hiv thus writ til the city goverment o' Houston, Texas, an' await their reply.

Dear Leslie (Head o' Twinning for Houston, so she is)

I was having a look on line there and noticed that youse folk in Houston have lots of sister cities across the whole world, but not as yet in Northern Ireland.
There is a coincidence, I thought to myself, as I live in Northern Ireland, and live in a town that isn't twinned with anywhere in Texas, namely Banbridge.

Now to be fair Banbridge is a bit smaller than Houston, and wouldn't really come under the heading of "City" but it does have its own council with a website and everything - - and has several things that might interest youse in Texas.
  • It has a shop called Houston's. Houston is what your city is called. What about that for a coincidence? Houston's is going through a little bit of financial difficulty it seems, you might have seen it on the news. 
  • Sam Houston, what built Houston (the city, not the shop in Banbridge), his folk came from Northern Ireland. Admittedly they came from Co Antrim, a wee place called Ballyboley, but Ballyboley doesn't have a council with a website and a shop called Houston's.
  • Davy Crockett. I'm sure youse have heard of him. His folk came from here as well, although again not around the Banbridge district. There is even a wee song called "Davy Crockett's Da Came from Donemana" (that's up in Tyrone), though to be fair I'm not that sure if there's any truth in that. If youse were to twin with us we could go up and have a look. I went to school with a boy called Crockett and he might be related. 
  • Educational links. Now we don't have a University in the area like what youse have but we do have a rake of schools. I have no doubt that folks in your schools could come over and visit and learn some stuff. 
  • Industrial links. Banbridge has next to no industry any more. It used to have a lot of linen mills in the old days, but they're near all shut now, and it used to have a shoe factory, but it is being turned into houses. So I was thinking we could maybe borrow some of your industries and get a bit of work out of it. 
  • Game of Thrones. They film a lot of it in an old linen mill near here, I'll bet you didn't know that? And sure Americans watch it, so there is a link right there! I don't have satellite or cable TV so I don't know if it is any good, though I'm told there's a fair bit of nudey stuff going on, so I might try and get it on DVD. 
So, I'm sure that's whet your appetite for a good old twinning? What I was thinking is that maybe you folk could pop over and I'd show youse round and about the town. We could go to a couple of pubs and have a bit of crack (Irish crack, not the drugs). You could maybe stay in the Downshire Hotel, but if money's tight I could put a couple of folk up and I'm sure my da would look after a couple more. Then maybe you could fly me and a couple of friends over to have a wee look around Texas. Sorry I can't afford the flights myself, but I'm clean broke. 

Anyway, if you have any questions, give me a shout. I look forward to meeting youse all. 

Lots of Love

Professor Billy McWilliams
Head of Twinning

Monday, 26 March 2012

Ulster Unionist Laidership Bid

Ah hiv giv it much thought, an' listened til the advice o' frens, luved yins, an' party colleagues, an' hiv decided fur til launch ma ring intil the hat in a bid til become the next laider o' the Ulster Conservative an' Unionist an' nat Conservative Anymair Unionist Party.

It is nat a decision Ah hiv tuk lightly. After ma rejection the last time roun' Ah giv serious consideration til withdrawin frae Palitics completely, but feel that Ulster has reached a position o' real crisis, an' that real laidership is required.

Thus Ah hiv observed the thinkin' o' the twa candidates fur the Unionist leadership, namely James Nesbitt an' John McCallister, an' hiv decided that neither man is the richt yin fur the jab. Rather it will take someone wi' a rare qualities til lead the party intil the 20th Century, a man wi' rare vision.

Ah believe that Ah am that rare lukkin' man. Ah will make the Party luk forward, nat back, upwards, nat doon, sideways, nat the o'er sideways. Ah will build a party that represents both these folk an' the o'er folk, the animals an' the vegetables, the fish an' the fowl. Ah will unite the broad Ulster Scots community behine a vision so rare thit yid be lucky til see it in a zoo. Ah will reinvigorate the economy an' Ah will make Ulster grate again.

An Ah will dae it using the twa gratest things Ulster his iver produced - A big sinkin' ship thing, an' Golf.

Yin - Hiv a big Pro Am Celebrity Titanic Themed Golf Event at Royal Portrush in County Down.

Twa - Organise a Golf themed Titanic event in Strangford Lough wi' mair Pros an' Ams an' Celebrities an' make folk like it.

Thrie - Mention Golf an' the Titanic in Stormount every day in order til make the health service an' education system better.

Fower - Build a four times actual sized replica o' the Titanic in Lough Neagh wi' a big Golf course on it.

Five - Build a giant statue o' Rory McIlroy, Darren Clarke an' Graeme McDowall sae that folk can travel frae far an' wide til worship at the feet o' the Holy Trinity that will save the Ulster Economy.

Thus we will hiv carved oot a unique niche fur oorselves internationally, an' will hiv established the only national economy based oan the twin pillars o' golf an' a shite ship frae the Edwardian period. International business folk will rush til invest here, bein' sae distracted by golf that they'll furget they're in Lurgan.

Vote fur me UUP folk, ye ken it makes as much sense as the o'er twa.

Sunday, 26 February 2012

DUP Pants!

A free gift thing fur all oor readers.....

Shameless rip aff frae VIZ, but Ah cudnae resist......

Wednesday, 22 February 2012

My Hole (In One).

Fallyin oan frae the excitin' news that the Giant Causeway is til git its ain Galf Coorse, Ah am delighted fur til announce that Enviroment Minister Alex Attwud has alsae gie the grain light til a new hotel on the nairth coast. At lang last thon auld eyesore Dunluce Castle is til be redeveloped an' modernised, makin' way fur an attractive 4 star development wi' its ain bubble bath, shars, beds, the lat.

In a move til appease campaigners thit hoped til keep the auld Castle, the new owners hiv assured us all thit they will dae their best til retain a "heritage theme" in the new hotel, wi pictures o' how it used to look before an' the like, as well as a bar called "The Dungeon". Spakin' afterwards, Minister Attwud commented thit he hadnae taken the decision til tear the shite oot o' the historic landscape "lightly", but that in the end "money talks and youse can all fuck off."


Ah fur yin am gettin' sick o' galf. OK so Wee Mac an' G Mac an' Big Darren hiv "putt us oan the map" in the last wee while, an' it is great til see, particularly as the latter gies hope til all slightly pudgy drinkers o' a certain age that ye can still hae yer day in the sun. Howiver til the best o' ma knowledge we were already oan the map, an yin o' the things that has put us on it was the "unspoilt beauty" o' the nairth coast?  Yet here we hiv an Environment minister who lets this shite happen an' says......

"The development is an important one for the Causeway Coast and for Northern Ireland, will help to grow tourism, create new job opportunities, enhance our golf product and continue to protect our natural heritage, such a big part of the quality of our lives." 

Now Ah agree wi' yis thit its a shame thit he cannae spake the hamely tongue but perhaps mair importantly he cannae tell his arse frae his elbow. How many new jabs are created by a galf coorse is whit Ah'd like til ken? How does he balance thon agin the environmental destruction wrecked by the creation o' whit at the end o' the day is jist a place fur middle class men til chase a wee ball aboot? Mair til the point, is it even naided? The "galf product" o' the nairth coast saims near as well enhanced as Katie Price. Even the man in charge o' the whole plan, "US-based management expert Dr Alistair Hanna". says.....

"We believe that with Bushmills Dunes, Portrush, Portstewart and Castlerock we will have four world-class links golf courses within half an hour of each other."

Nae need fur it then.Ye buck eejit.


Next week: New Snooker Hall for Cave Hill, Mount Stewart til be converted into a darts venue and Lough Neagh drained til make room fur a new Asda.

Fur mair sensible information oan Nairth coast plannin' issues visit North Antrim Local Interest List.

Wednesday, 15 February 2012

Monday, 9 January 2012

The Seven Wunders o' the Ulster Scots Wurld.

Small man, big stain
Ah hid occasion fur til putt doon me usual Newsletter (official organ o' the Ulster Scot) an' peruse the Belfast Telegraf the o'er day, an' was maist interested til see thit they are havin' a vote as to whit wud be the tap yin  o' the "Seven Wunders o' Nairthern Ireland".  Sae far we hiv such wunders as "Belfast Taxis", naminated by Jim McDonald frae Coronation Street, who Ah thunk was in jail, an' Glenarrif, naminated by the poverty struck SDLP heid yin, Alasdair McDonnell. "The Glens," he says, "chase politics from my mind." Clearly he is spennin' tae much time in them.  Anyhow the raison Ah was interested is that Ah had been givin' some thocht til a similar list o' Ulster Scots Wunders, an hiv duly perused the original Seven Wunders o' the Ancient Wurld fur inspiration. Thesuns appear til be....

  • The Hangin' Gardens o' Babylon
  • The Statue o' Zeus at Olympia
  • The Colossus o' Rhodes
  • The Lighthouse at Alexandria
  • The Temple o' Artemis at Ephesus
  • The Mausoleum o' Halicarnassus
  • The Great Pyramid o' Giza.
Surely now, Ah thunk, there is nae mair interesting, ancient an' civilised folk than the Ulster Scot. We are boun' til be able tae match thy'on, an' thus Ah am able til offer yis a new poll on.......

The Seven Wunder's o' the Ulster Scots Wurld. 

Wunder Yin: The Hanging Swings o' the Ards Penisula

Themuns in Babylon seem til have fancied their horticultural skills, but ye can bet they'd hiv nathin' til compare til the swings at Cloughey or indaid the dual play park combination boasted by Portavogie. (There is yin behine the Chinese, an' yin at the far end near the pubic convenience.) Even Ballyhalbert has a fine playpark an' it disnae saim til have any folk livin' it. An Ballywalter has tennis coorts. Nebuchadnezzar ma arse. 

Wunder Twa: The Statue o' King Billy at Carrickfergus.

And lo' the guid folk o' Ulster didst decide fur til erect a statue o' King Billy, yin that wud commemorate the 300th anniversary o' the Glorious Revolution an' his majesty landin' in their fair town, yin that would reflect the great man's martial skills an' inspire local an' tourist alike. However they hadnae any money so they stuck up a wee totty one o' him thit yid hardly notice an' appears til have Billy lukkin intil the coach park. 

Wunder Three: The Colossus o' Prods:

Also knain as Sammy Wilson. Red o' cheeks, amusin' o' hair, crap at sums an' bare o' bum. There can be nae other, an' nor shud there be.

Wunder Four: The Shitehouse o' the Craigavon.

The o'er surt are mad fur sleggin' aff the auld Goverment o' Nairthern Ireland, gittin' on aboot Gerry Manderin' an' "Unionist Misrule." However the real reason the auld goverment was shite is that they invented Craigavon. Even the maist blind o' toon planners cud hiv seen thit combining twa medium sized shiteholes in Lurgan an' Portadown wud oany result in yin giant shitehole, albeit yin wi the maist impressive selection o' inspirationally named roundabouts in the western hemisphere. 

Wunder Five: The Temple o' Arsemis at Belfast.

Alsae knain as Martyrs Memorial Free Presbytron Church. Fur years the guid folk o' Ulster could flack til hear the preachin' o' Arsemis hissel, but he has retired now, til be replaced wi' a similarly mental heid yin, but nat yin that Ah can either mine the name o', or be arsed lukkin' up.

Wunder Six: The Pauseoleum o' Stormont:

At the Great Pauseoleum o' Stormont, brief flurries o' activity are interspersed wi' lang periods o' nat spakin' til each o'er. OK Ah was strugglin' here fur somethin' that sounded similar an' this was the best Ah cud dae. 

Wunder Seven: The Great Parade at Scarva

There can be few o'er cultures in the wurld that have anythin' til compete wi' the momentous occasion that is the 13th at Scarva. Where else wud thousans o' folk gather fur til watch a lock o' men in suits danderin' alang behine a rake o' half cut bands playin' hymns on flutes? Where else wud news raiders make the same joke on an annual basis aboot who wud win a sham ficht before handin' o'er til Angie wi' the weather. Wi' a range o' stalls an' burger vans unsurpassed in the civilized wurld the inherent Wunderfulness o' the Great Parade shud be clear til yin an' all. 

There, a half arsed list o' interestin' cultural tourist attractions allowin' yis til vote as yis see fit. Sure it is better than the yin in the Telegraph, an' ye dinnae hiv til raid a rake o' shite writ by some celebrity.

Friday, 6 January 2012

Histry o' the Ulster Scots Bit 15 - The Plantation o' Ulster

Nae movement frae the goverment oan the issue o' lack o' Ulster based events at the Olympics, so it is back til oor Rasin Deter an' a wee bit o' Histry......

The Death o' the Virgin Queen.

In the last Bit o' oor complex histry o' the Ulster Scots Spakin Peoples, we lukked at how the Refarmation invented Pratestants an', in daein' sae, put an end til Religious division fur iver. Howiver all was not yit well in the Ulster Scots garden, fur Free State fenians still controlled the island o' Ireland, an' wi' it the hameland o' the hamely folk themselves. Fur upwards o' ages Ulster Scots had foun' theyselves exiled til the mainland, forced for til be misunderstood an' shunned by English folk, or live in Scotland, which is caul. Oany a few were able til cling oan til the sacred Ulster territory in an aroun' Nairth Antrim,an' up the Ards. This was all til be rectified when Queen Elizabeth I the Queen Mother died wi'oot havin' any weans fur she was a virgin like Mary in the Bible. Wi nae weans til inherit the throne, the English were forced fur til luk fur a new King, North o' the border up Edinburgh way.

The House of Stewart

Unable til fine a king o' their ain ilk, the English therefore approached the King o' Scotland til see if he fancied the jab. The King o' Scotland at the time was a guid Pratestant by the name o' James Six, an' he duly tuk the throne o' England as well, takin' the title James Sixanfirst. It is important at this junction til note that James Sixanfirst shud in nae way be confussed wi' his Grandwean James Second. James Sixanfirst was a Loyal Pratestant, whereas James Second was the Free State king whit King Billy knacked the pan in af. 

As if til prove his Loyal Pratestant credentials, the first thing King James Sixanfirst did was til write the Bible, in daein' sae creatin' the Bible believin' Pratestant. Wi'oot his King James Bible, there wud be nae wee leaflets fur boys still han' oot at the tap o' the town while an o'er auld boy gulders intil a microphone aboot Satan an' the Gays an' bein' born o'er agin an' the like. Mind that next time ye join the throng o' folk listenin' til such lectures, ye hiv James Sixanfirst til thank fur such spectacles. 

The Plantation o' Ulster.

As if inventin' the Bible wasnae enough, James Sixanfirst set about devisin' a plan whereby the Ulster Scot cud cast aff the Free State yoke an' reclaim the occupied 9 counties, fur that was his plan. In order til achieve this he first o' all giv Counties Antrim an' Down til a man called Hamilton Montgomery, who proceeded til bring Ulster Scots folk back o'er in boats frae Scotland an' gie them houses an' the like fur til live in, thus plantin' people raither than trees oor the like, an' gien us the wurd Plantation. 

Wi' Monaghan similarly lukkin' after itsel, James hissel preceded til plant Ulster Scots folk in the o'er six counties, alang wi a rake o' English folk he hoped wud be converted til Ulster Scotsness at some future date. (Tae a certain extent this has been achieved now, yid hardly knae the Ulster English existed, fur they dinnae git any grants.). In maist cases the land was giv til rich boys called Undertakers, whit pramised fur til build toons, cassles an' churches an' bring o'er Ulster Scots. The oany different county was County Coleraine, which was giv til folk frae London, an renamed County Londoncoleraine. 

The Legacy o' the Plantation o' Ulster

(Ye cannae dae somethin' aboot the plantation wi'oot daein' aboot the legacy or ye willnae git a grant)

  • New towns - The Stewarts built Newtownstewart an' Stewartstown, Mr Cunningham built Newtowncunningham, Sir Jimmy Saville built Newtownsaville, an' Sir Ards built Newtownards. The London Companies built many new towns, including Londonderry, Londonderrylin, Londonbalinderry, Londonderrygonnelly an' London. 
  • New inventions - The Ulster Scots folk are wild good at inventin'. Once back oan hame soil they set aboot inventin' farms, roads, Black Bush, Harland an' Wolff, Orange Halls, Larne-Stranraer ferries an' the Newsletter. 
  • New recreational pursuits - Even in their spare time the Ulster Scots invented stuff. Fur example they invented new religions by fallin' oot wi' eacho'er aboot wee totty things an' leavin fur til start their ain churches. They alsae invented rack an' roll an' bred wi eacho'er in order til make sure thit America had enough Presidents.
  • Wars - Now that the Ulster Scots had a hameplace they were able fur til laiv it an' ficht wi' eacho'er. This they mainly did in the America. Thus taeday we are able fur til boast that we were both Revolutionary an' Loyal in the American War o' Independence, burned Washington an' put the fire oot in the War o' 1812, kept slaves an' freed them in the US Civil War an' both fought an' made friends wi' the Red Indians. Jays wi'oot the Ulster Scot the Americans wud be hard pushed fur til find somebody til ficht wi'. 
  • Whit was the reaction o' the o'er surt? - On the hole the o'er surt were happy fur they hid new towns fur til dae their shappin' in an' sign oan. 

Sunday, 1 January 2012