However Ah am delighted til revail thit Ah hiv foun' someyin daft enough til gie me a jab thru the day, sae Ah am able fur til be awake enough til screed brock. Ah am back in time fur Christmas, an' hiv discovered the epetition thing on the the goverment wabsite. Thus Ah am proud fur til announce a braw new campaign, Portglenone 2012........
Now it will nat hiv passed yer notice thit the Inglish hiv the Olympics nixt year, fur they hivnae stapped bangin' oan aboot it in their papers an' oan the Television. Ah hiv noted thit events an' the like arenae entirely based in London, wi' sailin' at Cows, Fitba in Cardiff an' Glasgow fur example. Howiver try as Ah might Ah cannae fine a single event in oor ain wee country. Ye wud think that they might at laist hiv threw us the shootin' at things oor the hittin' eacho'er, buy it wud appear we dinnae even warrent thon.
It wud saim thit Lord Sebastian Co an' his cronies hiv furgat thit it is the United Kingdom o' Great Britain AN' Norn Iron, in fact there wud be nae UK wi'oot us til stick on the end o' GB. Thus we are fully intitled fur til expect an' event or twa in 2012 an' it is time themuns in London were put til richts.
In order til rectify this ommission, Ah duly entered intil high level negotiations wi ma esteemed colleague, the Rev Dr McFetridge, Pastor o' First Portglenone Free Unitarian Non Subscribin' Methodist Presbyterian Church (Reformed). Fallyin' on frae these discussions the Rev Dr agreed til chair the Portglenone Cross Community Olympic Event Committee an' we established a small steering group til luk intil how til labby the Inglish.
After a wheen o' Plenary Sessions, Symposiums, Video Conferences an' bouts o' heavy drinkin' interspersed wi' violence, we hiv decided fur til make up yin o' them e-petitions that get sent roun' til ye the odd time. Frae whit we can work oot, if we get 100,000 folk til sign a demand that Portglenone gets an Olympic event, by law the request MUST be discussed in the House o' Cammons. This is clearly tae guid an appurtunity til miss. We hiv therefore sent the fallyin' up til the goverment an' await a response. When we get wurd back we'll let yis knae an' then ask yis all til seek oot an' sign it, an' hivin' done so, distribute it amung as many o' yer friens an' family as passible. 100,000 folk is a big thing til ask frae a wee country, but sure we cud rope in a few mainland folk til join in the crusade. Jays wudn't it be quare crack if we gat it.
Portglenone should get an Olympic Event in 2012, so it should.
We, the undersigned, being of sound mind, do hereby request, nay demand, that an event be held in Northern Ireland as part of the 2012 Olympiad.
We demand, nay request, that the Synchronised Swimming is held in the River Bann at Portglenone. An area of the Bann will be roped off for the competition preventing intrusion by anglers and/or perverts. Folk will be able to watch it from the marina, or up on the bridge, or the car park beside the Wild Duck.
There are two changing rooms in the community centre, wan for men and wan for women, and the hall could be turned into a media centre (no wi-fi, but folk could bring their dongle yokes). There is also a small, but clean, kitchen which provides tea making facilities. We have a right mobile phone signal, several well stocked shops and a rake of B&Bs.
The town is no stranger to sporting events, having hosted an episode of the BBC's Towns Challenge a lock of years ago, albeit one where Portrush cheated their way to victory.