|John Knax wi' beard an' wee buik.|
Whit wi' it bein' o'er a year since the last Bit aboot the Angle Normans, an whit wi' me knaein' feck all aboot the intervenin' period, Ah hiv decided fur til skip til the maist important event in the histry o' the wurld, the invention o' the Pratestant.
Now manies a time when Ah hiv bin debatin' histry, religion an' the like, some folk, mainly the o'er surt but sometimes themuns whit are nae surt at all, accuse messel an' ma coreligionists o' bein' Pratestants purely because Henry VIII was a dirty auld fat get who wanted til get rid o' his wife fur a new cuddy. Whilst there may be some truth in this argument in relation til the Anglican Church o' Ireland, an' we all ken there is oany a paper wall between themuns an' the o'er surt, it bares nae import oan the yin true faith o' Presbyternianism, Free or o'erwise. This true farm o' Pratestant came aboot unner the Refarmation.
Whit was the Refarmation?
As the word "refarmed" wud suggest, the Refarmation involved the farmin' o'er again o' somethin' that had already bin farmed afore, namely Presbyternianism. Frae ma lengthy studies oan the matter, includin' a short stint as Professor o' Religious Things at Annahilt Sunday School, Ah hiv larnt thit the o'er surt hid taken the pure Christian faith an' added stuff ontil it. Stuff like the Pope, purgatry, nat atin' mate o' a Friday, Blood Transfusions an' sayin' haitch instead o' aitch. They were clean gettin' away wi' it fur they made the Bible intil Latin an' kept the ordinary folk unnerinformed on matters, til a German Pastor called Martin Luther King Sr suddenly wised up an' decided fur til rectify matters. Thus in 1517 he writ a big thing an' started the whole Refarmation when he nailed his Testes to a church door in Wittenburg.
Whit the Pope did.
The Pope wasnae tae pleased about the Testes incident, an' summoned Luther King Sr til a big meetin' where he tried fur til make him eat Worms. He refused, an' thus invented pratestin'. Prior tae this naebody had ever pratested aboot anythin', mainly just gettin' a wee bit pished aff an' the like, an' sae we get the term Pratestant. Ah amnae tae sure whit happened next, fur it gets wile complicated, but it saims thit a wile lock o' important German folk agreed with Luther King. Afore he knew it, half the country was pratestin', he'd translated the Bible intil German, had accidentally gat married an' the Pope was rippin'. This in turn led til the Counter Refarmation, which Ah cannae even be arsed til think aboot whilst sober.
Havin' conquered Germany, Pratestantism soon began til spread across Europe, finally makin' it til Scotland in about 15 somethin'. Here it was spearheaded by John Knax, a man wi' a maist impressive beard who got intil a wile lat o' bo'er wi' the Catholic Regent o' the time, Mary o' Geese. He was forced by her til flee til England, an' then til Switzerland by their Queen Mary I. There he writ the famous "First Blast o' the Trumpet agin' the Monsterous Regimen o' Weemin", an early wurk in Ulster Scots that said that naebudy who had diddies shud be in charge o' countries, especially if they were calt Mary. This pished aff the new Mary Queen o' Scots, but on his return til Scotland he managed fur til get rid o' her an' a prapur man was put in charge, namely James VI. Although James was calt James, an inherently bad name fur a king (ref James II, who came after him even though he has a lower nummer) he was alsae a Pratestant, so all was well in Scotland.
In England Mary I had died, thank feck, fur as well as bein' a notorious vodka drinker she had a wile habit o' burnin' Pratesants. She hid nae weans sae her sister Elizabeth was made Queen. She was pished aff wi' all the tooin' an' froin' o' religions fur half the time naebudy in England knew whit surt they were, somethin' that is still the case taeday. Elizabeth therefore decided til compromise betwain surts an' invented the Church o' England. Knax was havin' nain o' this, sae he invented the Church o' Scotland. Fur the uninebriated Ah shall detail the differences betwain the twa below.
Church o' England.
- Is Anglican
- Is wishy washy
- Has a paper wall betwain it an' the o'er surt
- Disnae believe in Predestination
- Has Bishops
- Disnae mind saints an' stain glass.
- Has weemen who are good at makin' cakes an' sangwiches.
Church o' Scotland
- Is Presbyternian
- Isnae wishy washy
- Has a brick wall wi' a murial o' King Billy on it betwain it an the o'er surt.
- Believes in Predestination
- Disnae hiv Bishops
- Thinks ye can stick saints an' the like up yer arse.
- Has weemen who are guid at makin' traybakes an' soda farls.
Thus by 1600 all religious conflict in England an' Scotland was o'er, fur everybudy had agreed fur tae be a Pratestant o' one surt or the o'er. Ah hape that ma' writins hiv made the hole thing a bit clearer fur the lat o' yis fur now the stage is set fur the second maist important event in wurld histry, the Plantation o' Ulster.