Thursday, 30 April 2009


Oany a wee post taenicht fur the flyin' o'er tae London is reckin' havock wi' ma drinkin'


Thar wis a wile controversy oe'r the heid o' the weemin an' the pants last week. A nummer o' yis ticked the boax sayin' insultin'' an a few oe'ers screeded intae 1690 tae claim that we hid adapted a sexist pose. Ah want til mak it clear (ish) that we here at 1690 are a cross community Ulster Scots Protestant group, an', as such, hiv nae time fur discerimination oaf oany sort. In fak we hiv sevral weemin wurkin' here at 1690, fur if we didnae, who wud mak oor tay?

Wee Fat Fishwives

Fur yince ah' agree wi' the vote results, the best thing aboot the Ards is indaid the wee fat fowk wha predominate in the aist Ards regin. Thar kin be nae mair frennly fowk than themuns o' Portavogie. Thar specil welcome is best summed up in the colorful designs that they paint in the road, a "must see" fur tourists wurld wide.

Ah hid a wurd wi' Billy McQuillan (o' the South Aist Ards Bible an' Caterin' College) tae see if he cud shed oany licht oan the pecular charm (an' short/fatness) o' the Ards folk. Billy explained that it awl comes doon tae careful selective breedin' by the local inhabitants, insurin' that the wee fat gene remains strang.

Nixt pole-

Which o' these hens daes maist tae cause climate changin'?

Thursday, 23 April 2009

Climatic Changin' Confrence.

Secret Confrence

As thosuns o' yis wha watch the news will knaw, oor Sammy wis awa' last week oan a national perk, yin which, fortunately fur the taxpayer, coincided wi' the Easter Hallydays. What yis maynae hae knaw wis that Sammy hid alsae organised a tap secret confrence fur tae examine the issues surroundin' climatic changin'. Sam his come in fur a lat o' criticism this last wile fur his skeptical ootluk, sae his response is tae be admired. Some o' the finest mines in wurld pseudo-science gathered in Annaclone an' Magherally Young Farmer's club fur a thrie day talkin' shap, an' thar conklusions micht jist shack ye. The keenote spaker wis Professor Yoko McKelvey, Emeritass Professor o' Rain at the Tokyo branch o' Supervalu. Ah am fortunate enough tae be privy tae his findins.

Man Made my Arse.

Professor McKelvey has bin examinin' a few o' the things surroundin' climatic changin', an his come tae the conklusion (through his larnin') that the wurld his bin misled. Fur tae lang, man has bin batin hissel up oer the head o' the greenhoose, when clearly it wasnae men, it wis weemen.

He his examined a wealth o' statististics an' noticed a strange correlation betwain the doins o' weemen an' the change in oor climate. In Figure yin (this yin) we kin clearly see that the amoont o' greenhoose gases his gone up at the same rate as weemen in cars. Now common sense wid tell ye that mair weemen oan the road is an inherintly bad thing, but ye micht nat hiv related it tae the impendin' global catastrophe.


Weemen are notoriously profligate when it comes tae pants. Praper men dinnae wurry tae much aboot the luk o' thair keks, sae lang as they prevent chaffin' an' stainin', but weemin* require a close match in colour across their smalls, laidin' tae unnecessary undergarment procurement. Many o' these fineries are fashioned oot o' man made fibres, which necessitates a drain oan global resources an' an inevitable impact oan oor environment. See Figure Twa (this yin here). It is clear frae this dubious statistic, that if weemen continue tae visit Marks at the present rate, the hole wurld will be flooded in nae time.


All ye really naid, accordin' tae Professer McKelvey, is thrie bits o' futwair: yin fur the week, yin fur the Kirk an' yin fur muck. Weemen, it wud saim, naid mair than that. The Professor claims that sum weemen own up tae 6 pairs o' shoes, an' perhap mair that thair men dinnae knaw aboot. Shoes are genrally made o' leather, which comes aff the back o' coos. Thaise in turn must be grazed, mainin' that entire rainforsts are bein' chapped doon tae feed the shoe habit o' weemen. Professer McKelvey his predicted dire consequences fur the planet if weemen dinnae catch themselfs oan an' listen til thar men. See figure thrie (abuve ah think).

In Conklusion

Sevral decades o' femanism his led tae weemen makin' men invent things like dishwashers, washin' machines, small cars an' cheap shoes. All o' these use up important global resources, laivin' less oil fur tractors an' beer production. It wud saim that Sammy is richt, man his little tae dae wi the hole thing.

* In case Mrs McWilliams raids this, it's nathin tae dae wi' me. Dinnae shoot the messanger.

Tuesday, 21 April 2009

Ards Penisula

Welcome tae Portavogie indaid....

As yis micht hiv seen in the previous post, those o' yis wha buthered yersels tae luk, the Norn Iron Tourist Boord his bin makin a horse's arse o' promotin' the Ards Penisula. Thar isnae a finer spat oan this bit o' the island tae visit, wi archaeological sites, beaches, chip shaps, swings, the lat. Myself, Mrs McWilliams and wee Wullie hae jist spent a fine week oan the Ards, sae a thocht ah shud rectify the appallin', an' potentially sectarian, lack o' promotion o' this hidden gem. Thus ah gie ye ma ain wee tap Sax rasions tae visit the Ards...


The Ards is comin' doon wi histerical sites, many o' which reflect its lang stawnin' links wi Scotland an' the Nairth o' England. Durin' ma week lang stay ah attempted tae visit a few o' these sites, namely Ballycopeland Windmill, Kirkistown Castle an' the Londonderry Churches. It is guid tae see the the Norn Iron Environmentalist an' Heritage Agency Service o' Norn Iron is protectin' these sites praperly by keepin' them shut durin' whit cud potentially be a busy visiter period. Although the Londonderry churches are perpetually open, ah'm glad tae say that they are well protected by the fack that they are oan a wile bad bend wi' nae dacent parkin'.


The Ards is replete wi sevral sets o' swings, guaranteed tae keep a wain happy fur a wile. Thair is a particularly fine set o' swings in Cloughey, an' a braw new set in Portavogie. Portaferry's arnae tae bad, whilst the yins in Donaghadee at the Commons wid pass a picnic. Accordin' tae wee Wullie, poppin' doon tae these particular visitor attractions shud nat be called "Ga'in tae the Swings" it shud be "Going to the play-park". But he's wrang - thair swings.*

Thrie: FISH.

Ye can stroke them in Portaferry, if yer sae inclined. If nat, ye can jist luk wilst aither fowk stroke them.


Ah hiv tae admit that we hid 5 star accomodation, hivin' lended Wullie McIlveen's static caravan jist ootside Ballyhalbert. His is nae ordinary caravan, fur it his its ain toilet an' cooker sae yer niver short o' things tae dae. Howiver aside frae caravans, ye kin also stay in tap spats like Portavogie's Wong's Royalle. It's a Chineese restraunt, wi' a B & B, in Portavogie. A quare boy giv oot the grant fur th'on. Genius.


Is the MP. Any wunder there's such a fine collection o' gentlemen's special intrest magazines oan the tap shelf in the garage o' Portavogie.


Yin fur the purist here, but surely this is the wurst bit o' main road betwain here an' the Free State.

Other Matters.

Believe it oor nat the BBC havnae replied tae ma screedin o'er the heid o' Sir Terry Wogan's ignorin o' Big Ian. In protest ah am oany watchin' UTV.

Special Ards Penisula Vote this week.

*When travellin' tae spakin' toors in America an' the like, ah hiv noticed that the in flight magazines nivir make a play o' the large amount' o' swings in Norn Iron. Thair is clairly an untapped market oot thair. Fur people wha like swings.

Friday, 10 April 2009

Bit Ten - The Iron Ages

Taenicht is a wee bit complicated. Ah hid intended fur a lengthy discussion o'er the heid o the Iron Ages but have tae admit that ah cannae be arsed.

Ah am fur goin' oan ma hallydays tae the Coasta del Ards fur yin week. When ah git hame ah'll try an' rectify the lack o' postin.

A hiv tae say that whit attracted me tae the Ards was this magnificant Tourist site. We fairly knae how tae sell oorselves roun' here.